13 Ways To Know You’re Over Having Babies

13 Ways To Know You’re Over Having Babies

So, are you done? Having any more? Going for No. 3/4/5? These are the questions that we women get asked all the time by well-meaning (nosy) others. But how do you know if you’re done having kids? Here’s a few suggestions. You’re over having babies when… 1. You eBay the Moses basket with the baby still in it and only remember to take her out when the buyer comes to collect. 2. You’ve hardly seen your other half since circa 2008 when this whole procreation lark started. 3. Some days, when everyone is saying “No!” and “I don’t wanna!” it’s impossible to see the “pros” in your creations. 4. The thought of laying off pinot grigio for another nine-plus months, well, let’s not even go there. 5. The time has finally come to do other stuff, like build a Fortune 500 business and drink pinot grigio. 6. You’ve just bought a new pair of trainers. They’re neon and pretty. So what if you don’t actually run in them? 7. The sound of a newborn crying elicits the same reaction from you as the theme music from The Exorcist. 8. Your other half says he would leave you. (“Not if I get there first,” you think.) 9. Your head says no. Your heart agrees. And your body says no bloody way! 10. You can’t bear the thought of another eight years at the school gates. People get less for manslaughter. 11. Instead of putting a “No Junk Mail” sign on your letterbox, you put “No More Babies”—just in case the stork has any ideas about a surprise delivery. 12. You’re on the pill, have a coil, and...
14 Things Babies Just Don’t Understand

14 Things Babies Just Don’t Understand

You’d think after the 342nd time of trying to explain that I really need to sleep another half hour, please and thank you, that I’d be met with some understanding. Oh wait, I’m reasoning with a baby. I guess that means I’m insane. But living with a tiny tyrant who can’t understand a word you say can do that to a person. And since infant sign language doesn’t get much more complex than “potty” and “eat,” we’re both going to be a little frustrated for a while. I’d trade a year’s worth of cheese, chocolate, and heck, even Facebook for the ability to get my kid to understand the following: 1. If I knew just what you wanted, I would make sure you got it a whole lot faster. Mom’s not doing too bad of a job meeting your demands, considering all she can do is make semi-educated guesses on roughly a quarter of a brain and 45-minute fragments of sleep. 2. 3 a.m. is not a good time to be practicing karate moves on the crib slats. 3. No matter how mad my face looks or my voice sounds, I still love you. 4. I’m not leaving you to starve if I get up in the middle of your dinner. I just really need to poop. And if I wait any longer, I will need a diaper too. I will be back. I promise. 5. Enjoy being completely free of responsibility, because the minute I discover that you know how to fold your pants, you will miss your carefree life. 6. It’s not your fault that your only means of communication is yelling. But...
7 Things a New Dad Needs to Know About His Spouse After the Baby’s Birth

7 Things a New Dad Needs to Know About His Spouse After the Baby’s Birth

As a dad welcomes his first birth child, change will hit the household. Luis Velasquez has 7 that the dad needs to know about his spouse. — Having a baby is all about change. I knew that going into it. There are the changes they tell you about in books, like shifting priorities and adjusting to the needs of a third person in the house. Then there are the changes your friends who are parents warn you of, like sleepless nights, changing diapers, and baby toys around every corner of the house. As a husband and new parent, I wanted to make sure I could support my family, no matter what changes we faced. Part of this was recognizing the fact that no matter how many books I read or friends I talked to, I’d never be able to anticipate everything, and that I’d have to adjust to and learn from the changes as they came. I was pretty scared leading up to the birth of my daughter, Alexis. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to handle the changes she would bring. It’s been a learning lesson for sure, and I’m amazed at all the change our little one has brought to our lives. Some of them have been typical: we didn’t get much sleep in the first several months; we’ve both had to adjust our priorities; and Rujeko and I have forgotten what it’s like to go out on a date. But those are the changes we anticipated. Less predictable were all the changes my lovely wife would go through. As the husband and father in all...

This is Parenting

From the very first night home with your newborn you quickly realize you can’t magically fix every cry. This guest post from Mary discusses those long nights of parenting when you have to give everything you’ve got. She cries out in the night, the long mournful wail of the weary. Her tears stain my pajamas as I comfort her in the rocker with an urgency not usually associated with lounge furniture. My tired eyes prick with non-existent tears, and I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a drink of water.  I hold her tighter to my chest willing her body to reveal to me the source of her sorrow. Is it pain? Is she over-tired? Unhappy, lonely, scared, or all at once? I feel my heart beating violently in my chest, but I can only hear her whimpers. Desperately, my mind reviews the usual suspects for why babies cry out in the middle of the night. I changed her diaper while she bawled. I nursed her through her tears, but her gasping sobs made it impossible for her to latch. I patted her, rocked her, sung to her, and danced with her. My legs ache, begging me to take them to bed, but I can’t leave her. Her face tightens with a fresh wave of agony. Is it her teeth? Her tummy? Does she have diaper rash? She grips my finger as she cries harder, confused as to why I’m not taking away the pain when I’ve always been able to comfort  her before. Feeling completely obsolete, I would give everything I have to absorb her discomfort, draining...
No One Told Me Motherhood Is Just Being A Cleaning Lady

No One Told Me Motherhood Is Just Being A Cleaning Lady

A friend of mine and I once had a discussion about the nitty-gritty of our days. At the time, I was a stay-at-home mom. He had a big title at a fancy advertising firm, something like “Director of Creative Branded Cross-Advertorial Synergistic Relationships.” I asked him what that entails. “I direct creative branded cross-advertorial synergistic relationships,” he replied. “What exactly does that mean?” I said. “I facilitate creative branded cross-advertorial synergistic relationships,” he said, a tad impatiently. “When you go into your office in the morning and get your cup of coffee, what exactly does your body do until 6 p.m.?” I asked slowly, like he was a kindergartner. “I send emails,” he said. “What about you?” “I wipe stuff,” I said. Being a mom can come with different titles: housewife, domestic engineer, working mother, full-time mother, stay-at-home mother, work-at-home mother. We can parse these titles however we like, but when we talk about the actual responsibilities, the specific set of tasks that make up this job of mother, it’s wiping stuff. To be fair, it’s not all wiping. Sometimes I do a little scraping or scrubbing or folding or sweeping. The actual title is kind of irrelevant, because if you really examined my daily chores, it would be fair to say that what I am is a cleaning lady. This is only a problem in that I don’t like to clean. I don’t like any chores that, once you do them, you have to do them again, almost immediately, like dishes or laundry or picking up the living room. (I feel this way about grooming too. Sometimes when I’m in the shower, I...