I’m Pretty Sure My Toddler Is All 7 Dwarfs from Snow White

I’m Pretty Sure My Toddler Is All 7 Dwarfs from Snow White

Anyone who has ever spent any time with a toddler knows that they are generally a whirlwind of personality. In the span of minutes, my daughter can go from being the sweetest, most adorable, cuddliest child you ever did see … to someone I can only assume is the spawn of Satan. Recently I got to thinking, who else does this remind me of? Perhaps seven different pint-sized, inappropriate, and probably filthy individuals that we all know and love? Yup, that’s right. My toddler is pretty much all seven dwarfs from Snow White wrapped up into one tiny package — and here’s proof. When I introduce her to anyone new: Image Source: Oh My Disney Unfortunately, this phase will not last long. Hope you like no sense of personal space, unexpected bouts of gas, and endless rounds of “Ring Around The Rosy.” (Side note: I’m still horrified that this song even exists.) At the exact moment we’re about to serve her birthday cake: Image Source: Oh My Disney Yum. Who wants cake? When she’s sneaking into her sisters’ jewelry box full of stuff she knows she’s not supposed to play with: Image Source: Oh My Disney Shiny! So shiny! The minute I’m done running errands and am heading home, praying she WON’T fall asleep: Image Source: Oh My Disney Seriously? You literally bounced off of the wall at the grocery store like Richard Simmons on a caffeine drip and now you choose to be tired?!? When I’m a millisecond too late serving up lunch: Image Source: Oh My Disney This would explain why there’s not a dwarf named “Patient,” huh? When I’m trying to dress her...

What Does Your “Mom Car” Say About You?

We all know that cars mean different things to different people…. for example, to moms, they mean “something that transports multiple kids to activities and is covered with Cheerios.” Here are the different vehicles that moms commonly drive, and what they say about their respective drivers: 1. Minivan Of course this mainstay is numero uno. This car means you have your head screwed on straight and value comfort over even one iota of coolness. Even the tiniest, tenth of a percent of an iota. Moving on. 2. Regular car You have one kid, or two kids, and a husband that refuses to buy a minivan. 3. SUV This is the pinnacle of cool for moms. (Except for the cereal crumbs, five pacifiers, three chew toys, extra diapers, and the potty in the trunk. 4. Two seater You’re an empty nester and damn proud of it. 5. Hybrid You got tired of your kids chastising you about being environmentally irresponsible. 6. Actual van You and your husband don’t believe in birth control. 7. Crossover It crosses over from “young and spontaneous” to “mom of three” really easily.  No, actually, it just stays in the second category all the time. 8. Jeep You have all boys and are the cool mom who enjoys being in the outdoors for activities other than strolls in the park with an iced latte. (Not that I am anything like that latter type of person.) 9. Car with a sunroof The closest a mom will get to a convertible. 10. Pickup truck You are one tough mother. All images sourced via Thinkstock The post What Does Your “Mom Car”...

7 Things That Strike Fear in the Heart of Every Parent

Before you have kids, scary things are pretty universal: spiders, horror movies, tax time, etc. But once you procreate, things get a little more obtuse in the terror department. Things as inanimate as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich can induce PTSD. The phone that has become an integral part of your existence can betray you. How, you ask? Read on to learn more about the terrors of parenting… 1. Dinner time When sitting down to dinner each night, I have no idea if the plates I have prepared will result in my kids asking for seconds or crying uncontrollably. It is like playing a terrifying game of culinary roulette. Every. Night. Tonight they may LOVE peanut butter and jelly, but tomorrow night? They could (and probably will) develop a sudden and life-threatening allergy to all things put before them. 2. Other parents The worst thing about having to do kid-related activities? The other parents. So why am I scared of other parents? Because they are usually weird. Or judgy. Or weird. Or advice-givers. Or weird. Or Pinterest Perfect. Or, did I mention weird? I once had another parent talk to me two inches from my face. About time travel. For an hour (slowly backs away while maintaining polite eye contact). 3. Bedtime Bedtime is scary now because it offers the possibility of a few hours of freedom, but with a giant asterisk. Like just one more story, or another drink of water, or a few more kisses, or a potty break, or a monster in the closet, or a fly in the room, or… Hearing those little feet...
There’s No True Way to Prepare for Motherhood

There’s No True Way to Prepare for Motherhood

“I think I honestly expected — it’s gonna sound weird — but I expected the worst. I’ve never been around babies before, to be honest, but he’s so laid-back!” Like Underwood, I also had different expectations of motherhood before I ever became a mom. When I was a little girl I played “mother” with sweet-smelling baby dolls. I always wanted one of those expensive dolls that “really drank a bottle” or “really pooped.” It crushed me that my baby doll experience felt so incredibly inauthentic. How was I going to learn how to parent when it was time for me to change a baby’s diaper? I had an idea that being a mother to a baby was frantic and busy. The image in my mind was this bizarre cartoon loop of a woman washing and hanging diapers to try, boiling (!!) milk for bottles, burping, feeding, changing, rocking. This woman was never still. She never took a moment to pause and enjoy. When I was ready to become a mother, I was such a cliché. It was as if someone turned on the lights and hung up a sign around my heart shouting, “I am ready to love!” Of course I didn’t expect to have to navigate a rocky road of infertility, unexpected expenses, emotional collapses, and loss. The longer it took for me to achieve motherhood, the more I became convinced there might be a reason for it. Obviously there was something physically that needed assistance, but all of these delays and failures, could it be a sign that I wasn’t ready? I worried that each failed cycle came with...
10 Thoughts Every Parent Has Their First Night Home with a Newborn

10 Thoughts Every Parent Has Their First Night Home with a Newborn

When I had my fourth baby, my husband and I marveled at how calm she was during our 24-hour stint at the hospital, or what I like to call, our “every other year vacation.” “She doesn’t even cry unless she’s hungry and even then, it’s barely a squeak!” we bragged to our family when they came to visit. I thanked my lucky stars that after being so worried about how on earth I would handle four kids ages 7 and under, I had finally gotten an “easy” baby. My mind flashed forward to the fun we would have as a family of six with our go-with-the-flow baby happily napping anywhere and cooing at us from her carseat. Ha. You would think we would have known better than to make such a rookie mistake as bragging about how “good” our newborn was so early on, but what can I say? Sleep deprivation and that pesky post-birth high messed with our mind, folks. But regardless of how ridiculous we were, you had better believe that we were not alone when each and every one of these thoughts went through our mind that first fateful night home with our baby: 1. What on earth happened to the baby from the hospital? Image Source: Oh My Disney I kid you not when I say, the second we crossed the threshold of our home, the baby that had been so calm and cool and content in the hospital started wailing like a toddler who has lost his sucker. And my husband and I just looked at each other with matching expressions of total fear, horror, and...