10 Things I Would Trade For 3 Hours Of Sleep

10 Things I Would Trade For 3 Hours Of Sleep

I never knew what tired was until I became a mother. Really down in your bones, down to the core tired, is a whole different animal. That kind of tired makes me say things I don’t mean (OK, I really do mean them, but pretend not to so I don’t seem evil). Some days I am so tired, I literally close my eyes while standing in the line at the grocery store or — wait for it — while I’m stopped at a red light. Um, yeah, not the safest. I get that. But I’ve only been jolted awake by honking horns once or twice and don’t do it when the kids are in the car. These days, I would trade almost anything for more sleep, so I’ve put together a list. I’m running a little thin on big ticket items to trade, but there are some sweet deals to be had here. DM me for where and when to make the exchange. These won’t last and are only available on a first-come, first-served basis. 10. Shampoo for a month (like I’m really going to have the chance to use it anyway). 9. My hot black stilettos. Lord knows those days are over. 8. Food for the whole day. Really, I can sustain myself on gummy vitamins and water if I could just close my eyes. 7. Sex for a month. See No. 10. 6. All contact with the outside world for a week. Who needs the outside world when you have InTouch magazine? 5. Facebook for a week. I could use some time off from seeing all the people I know looking all groomed, in...
20 Things I’ve Accidentally Done To My Kids

20 Things I’ve Accidentally Done To My Kids

The clumsy side of parenting is another one of those fun little things the What to Expect books do not cover. There is no chapter covering the proximity of children. You know, how your toddler will follow you so close that if you stop abruptly, they will ricochet off your ass. Clumsy things. Accidental incidents. They create an immeasurable amount of mom guilt that doesn’t always go away — even when it’s long in the past, no one is hurt, and it’s funny. Things like… 1. Knocking my toddler over with my gigantic 9-month belly and not realizing she is near me because I hadn’t even seen my feet since week 32. 2. Cutting the corner too early and accidentally hitting my infant child’s head on the door frame. (It took most of the first year with my first child to realize that the space you have to enter and exit a doorway is much greater when you become a parent). 3. An accidental uppercut to the face when my hand slipped trying to unbutton a stubborn snap on her pajamas, popping her in the chin. 4. Cutting little nails too short — more than once, even with tiny nail clippers. But in my defense, clipping infant and toddler fingernails is like trying to catch a shrimp with greasy bare hands. It’s a total body activity where their bedroom becomes a wrestling ring. 5. Successfully catching spit-up in the burp rag by accidentally deflecting it back into my newborn’s face — who sat there with a white face, blinking and dripping. 6. Accidentally dropping a bottle of lotion on my son’s face. (Veteran parenting tip and common sense...
8 Things That Only Moms Notice

8 Things That Only Moms Notice

This is a story about a sock. It was an ordinary white toddler sock that lay abandoned right in the middle of an otherwise cleared-off set of stairs. I happened to see this sock in the middle of the stairs the morning before I was leaving for a few days. Being a mom, I went to pick it up. And then I thought, hmm, I wonder if I left that sock right there, would it still be there when I got home in four days? Could anyone else actually see the sock? I wasn’t trying to trick my family or find an excuse to be annoyed — as a matter of fact, I haven’t told anyone that I even ran the experiment. I was thinking that the sock would probably be invisible to everyone but me. That was my hypothesis. And it’s not like I live in a family of jerks either. They are relatively polite, friendly, functional members of society. I just truly didn’t think that they would see the sock. It just wouldn’t exist for them. This made me think about other things that only exist for moms. Things that we see that others just…don’t. 1. Hair that dangles in someone’s face Maybe this is just me, but if I see hair in someone’s face, I immediately start looking for a barrette and may even begin to chase that person down. Is it just me? OK. 2. Clean laundry in a pile, but not yet folded. I think, in the minds of many people (who may or may not be married to me), when laundry comes out of the...
7 Ways My Kids Can Successfully Manipulate Me

7 Ways My Kids Can Successfully Manipulate Me

Just as parents get to know their kids and learn what works for them and makes them behave better, my kids are figuring out my weak spots. Or maybe I should say they have figured out what to do or say in order to get their way. I know they are doing it; they know they are doing it. It is like this secret language we speak almost daily. There are certain things that my kids do, and I find myself not being able to resist their offerings. I become a helpless mother who has totally forgotten how to parent, especially during these specific times: 1. At Bedtime If they want to stay up a little later than usual, they quickly switch the television channel to something that hypnotizes me — also known as HGTV. They have seen me drool while watching a shack get transformed into a stunning masterpiece overnight enough times to know this should always be their go-to method for staying up late. They silently chuckle to themselves, give each other the thumbs-up, and then one of them snuggles in close and starts playing with my hair. They know they have just bought themselves another hour. 2. When I Am in Desperate Need of Some Caffeine They know when I need a bump of caffeine (which is often), so they suggest stopping at McDonald’s where the fountain soda is cheap and can get the job done. They take full advantage of my addiction by suggesting I let them get something from the Dollar Menu. That way, if we all sat for a bit inside, instead of zipping through...
10 Things That Are Impossible To Do After You Have Kids

10 Things That Are Impossible To Do After You Have Kids

There are some things I used to do before I had kids that are impossible now that I have three. Remember the things you used to dare try because you had silence, the time, and the patience — back when these things weren’t considered luxuries like they are to so many of us now because we have little hellions running around ruining everything they touch? Here is a list of 10 things that are ill-advised once you start breeding. Believe me, I have tried them all. 1. Leaving Your Drink on the Coffee Table Or any other convenient, reachable surface for that matter. It doesn’t matter what it is — that drink is going to get spilled, or have a sticky fist or dirty toy plopped in it. This is especially unfortunate if said drink was the last of the alcohol in the house. 2. Using Hair Remover on Your Bikini Area Now, if a nice landing strip is what you are going for here, I implore you, if there are kids within a 5-mile radius of your lady bits, this is not going to work. As soon as you are able to find a free moment, lock yourself in the bathroom and apply the cream just so, somebody is going to break something — a glass, the television, their toe. And as soon as this happens, you will forget about your trim landing strip and start running. Word to the wise here, that stuff drips. 3. Trying to Make a Phone Call I once got very brave while all my kids were watching a movie and called the doctor’s office...