I Am So Over the Babymoon

I Am So Over the Babymoon

Of course, a baby moon isn’t logistically or financially possible of everyone. But for those of you who are considering it, please heed Ali’s hilarious warnings: it’s not always what the glossy magazine photos depict. (Maybe this just makes me feel better because I didn’t get one. 🙂 Picture it: you and your husband toasting the Golden Trimester and your impending parenthood by taking a luxurious jaunt to the tropics. You will bask in the glorious sunshine by a crystal-green ocean, a virgin mojito in hand and a masseuse rubbing coconut oil on your baby bump. I’ve had two kids and two babymoons, neither of which involved coconut oil rub-downs. Unlike a honeymoon, which signified the start of our new life together, the babymoon just reminded us of what our life would no longer be like. If I were to have a third child (I said “if”- don’t get any ideas, Mom!), I would ditch the babymoon altogether, because I am so over it. Here are a few romantic illusions that were shattered upon arrival: 1.) This babymoon will be my last hurrah before the baby comes. The Plan: a spa day, followed by a relaxing stroll through town, a fancy romantic dinner, and then a show or movie. We would cuddle by the fireplace in our B&B, sleep until 10am, and then enjoy the delicious home-cooked breakfast downstairs. The Reality: The local spa did not offer prenatal treatments. The “relaxing stroll” became an “awkward waddle with frequent bathroom breaks.” Throughout dinner I alternated between staring wistfully at the other patrons sipping wine, and hightailing it to the bathroom....
6 Struggles That Are All Too Real for Third-Trimester Moms

6 Struggles That Are All Too Real for Third-Trimester Moms

So many seemingly simple activities of daily life are taken for granted by non-pregnants (yes, I just turned that into a noun). It isn’t until you become a third-trimester-pregnant that you realize and appreciate how easy your life was before. Forget about the big things; I’m talking about the daily life tasks that for most people take little to no effort but for women like me, they take every ounce of our exhausted, swollen, starving because we can’t eat more than a few bites, bodies to accomplish. 1. Putting on shoes I’m a personal trainer, and I consider myself pretty fit. But you certainly couldn’t tell that by how difficult it is for me to put on shoes these days. Slip on shoes — no problem. I’m talking about shoes with some assembly required, so basically as I’ve come to realize, all of the shoes I own. First I have to get the shoes out of the shoe closet, which is a task in and of itself because the organization of the shoe closet is essentially every shoe that my entire family owns thrown into one big pile in the closet. After the shoes have been successfully retrieved (with the first sweat already appearing on my brow), I walk over to one of the floor cushions or the Bosu ball in our living room. My attempt to gracefully lower myself to the floor turns into a not so graceful plop. Then I pretzel twist my body into a variety of positions to get the shoes on and tie them or fasten the straps. By this time I’m exhausted and I still have to get...
The Reasons Pregnant Women Cry

The Reasons Pregnant Women Cry

You know that stereotype that pregnant women are weeping messes of uncontrollable emotion? I used to find that offensive until I was pregnant and I would cry hysterically when I thought about how squirrels sometimes get hit by cars. Turns out those amazing hormones that magically make you a vessel for new life can also make your emotions go completely batshit. Rachel sent me this video that her husband took of her the other night. (I’m sure many of you can relate to the very real emotions she was feeling.) I posted it on Facebook and once again you guys proved you’re the funniest broads on the planet as you start sharing your own stories of hysterical pregnancy crying. Here are my favorite comments pulled from the Facebook thread:     Source: pregnant...
10 Actual Things I’ve Heard Because I’m Almost 30 and Don’t Have Kids

10 Actual Things I’ve Heard Because I’m Almost 30 and Don’t Have Kids

“10 Actual Things I’ve Heard Because I’m Almost 30 and Don’t Have Kids” by Elizabeth Xu originally appeared on Ravishly, a pop culture + feminist news website, and was reprinted with permission. As my 30th birthday draws increasingly closer (so. close.), questions about babies are also increasing — from my mom, other family, friends, strangers … oh, and did I mention my mom’s curious, too? While some couples choose not to have kids, my husband and I definitely plan to; that’s why we recently bought a house. But the timeframe just isn’t set right now. We’re going on four years of marriage, and it seems that once you’re married, people are surprised if you don’t pop out a baby nine months after the honeymoon. Sure, other women did and that’s just fine. That’s just not my choice — mainly because my husband and I have lived in four states in four years, and I can’t imagine how difficult those moves would’ve been with a kid. We all make our own choices, and we deserve to make them without judgment. There are so many reasons someone might not have kids. Whether they decided to never have kids, are having difficulties getting pregnant, or just don’t want kids right now, it’s really not up to you. Nonetheless, I hear the following statements often, and I wish I didn’t. 1. “When I was your age, I already had 2/3/6 kids!” Cool. I’ve been to Europe twice and traveled around the U.S. I know lots of people travel with kids and I hope to one day as well, but I’m just guessing it’s a little easier...
A Lifelong Love Letter to My Ever-Protruding Belly

A Lifelong Love Letter to My Ever-Protruding Belly

“A Lifelong Love Letter to My Ever-Protruding Belly” by Priscilla Blossom originally appeared on Ravishly, a pop culture + feminist news website, and was reprinted with permission. Dear round, protruding Belly, How’s it hanging beneath that oversized shirt? Ha! OK, but seriously. I wanted to chat because I’ve had kind of an ongoing hot/cold relationship with you, and I think it’s time we sorted this out. You’ve been with me since birth, Belly. Back then, everyone thought you were the cutest thing ever. Now, I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure my folks used to kiss you and blow raspberries on you the way I now do with my 2-year-old son. You got so much love back then. So much! When I started elementary school, no one really mentioned you. I remember I used to do this thing where I’d walk around and pull half my shirt up, tucking my elbows into the bottom of the tee — until one girl told me that was weird, so I quit showing you off. I didn’t think too much about you then, except to ask my mom when we were going to eat, because, well, I’ve always really enjoyed food. It wasn’t until I started doing more “athletic” activities that I really began to notice you. I started with gymnastics. We did some tumbling, and I learned how to do cartwheels and round-houses. I had a great time. But for some reason, I started noticing how the other girls didn’t have a belly that looked like you. Most of them were slim with bellies that were neatly tucked into their 8-year-old bodies. Kind...
14 Things Anyone Trying To Get Pregnant Can Relate To

14 Things Anyone Trying To Get Pregnant Can Relate To

Shortly after getting married, my husband and I decided to grow our family and hoped to have a baby. I was the first of my friends to venture into parenthood, and admittedly, I didn’t have much of an understanding of the whole process. Yes, I got the process, but I had no idea the struggles we could face when trying to get pregnant. I thought that it was simple. You know, you did the deed and you got pregnant—that’s what I was led to believe in my school’s health class at least. But for my husband and me, trying to conceive was a lot more complicated and took far longer than either of us expected. It’s hard to comprehend the toll that months negative pregnancy tests can have on your relationship and self-esteem. Being able to vent frustrations, brainstorm ideas, and just laugh at the weirdness that is trying to get pregnant was key to preserving my sanity. Here are 14 things you’ll totally relate to if you’ve been trying to conceive for any length of time: 1. You speak in acronyms. Your DH needs to get home ASAP, so you can BD while you have EWCM and your cervix is HFO. Then, you’ll be stuck in the TWW and count the seconds to POAS when you’re 13 DPO and pray for a BFP. 2. You’ve become an expert in cervical fluid. Most people have no idea such a thing exists, but you’ve become more knowledgeable than you ever thought necessary. 3. You’re willing to try anything. Yes, you’ve used egg whites when your EWCM wasn’t stringy enough. What of it? 4....