You Know You’re REALLY Pregnant When …

You Know You’re REALLY Pregnant When …

Pregnancy is no joke. It is nine months of having your body completely ravaged in a way that is equal parts beautiful and terrifying. Physically and emotionally, the changes are vast. And at a certain point, you get to that “really pregnant” phase. There’s the barely pregnant stage (first trimester), the cute pregnant stage (second trimester), and then there’s the REALLY pregnant stage at the very end. And while the signs vary from woman to woman, when it arrives, you’ll just know. Recently, I was texting some friends about how hugely pregnant I’m feeling at 33 weeks, when we started talking about signs you know you’re really pregnant. And well, here’s what we came up with. You know you’re REALLY pregnant when … “You’ve outgrown your regular underwear. They’re made of stretchy material and should fit no matter what, but NOPE.” — Lauren “You can no longer groom your nether regions, because you can’t actually see them anymore.” — Ally “Even shoes — the one item of clothing you could always count on — stop looking cute, because you’re big EVERYWHERE.” — Caitlin “The most important part of your daily “uniform” becomes a panty liner, because coughing or sneezing can become a serious wardrobe hazard. The struggle is real.” — Emma “Your belly becomes your TV tray.” — Karissa “You drop something on the floor and don’t even bother to pick it up, you just leave it. Meh, someone will get it eventually.” — Kristel “When labor doesn’t scare you anymore — you just want it to happen so you’re not pregnant anymore.” — Teresa “When even your maternity clothes are too snug.”...
9 Ways to Bond with Your Unborn Baby

9 Ways to Bond with Your Unborn Baby

Are you nervous at the prospect of birthing a stranger? Sure, you love the little nugget floating in your uterus, but do you feel like you know them? When I was pregnant, I had serious doubts about my ability to “do parenting well.” I felt wholly unprepared and feared the big P-D: postpartum depression. Because I have control freak tendencies, I became consumed with putting in bonding work before my son was born — I had a deep need to get to know him before he was put in my arms. Many of the following prenatal bonding activities are practiced in the HypnoBirthing (Mongan Method) childbirth preparation classes I teach, and some are pulled from my personal tinkering. 1. Sing it out Belt it out, mama! Baby won’t care if you’re Mariah quality or a strictly-shower vocalist, she just wants to hear the sound of your voice and the vibrations of your harmonizing (or, attempts at harmonizing?). Reading, verbalizing your stream of consciousness, or anything else involving baby being exposed to your unique tones is muy bueno. But, make sure you keep your cool as much as possible — if you don’t enjoy the sound of harsh voices or yelling, baby won’t be into them either. 2. Groove with your baby Sometimes there just aren’t words to express the depth of your love; the swaying of your body will soothe baby and connect him to your natural rhythm, which may just train him to chill out when he’s wiggling in your arms and you commence the Mama Sway. 3. Play! No human is ever too young (or old!) to play. Have some...
9 Ways Pregnancy Is A Lot Like Being Drunk

9 Ways Pregnancy Is A Lot Like Being Drunk

I’ve been both drunk and pregnant, although never at the same time (so simmer down). There are a lot of similarities between these two states, however. Allow me to illustrate these. 1. You’re Emotional Pregnant: You might not be an emotional wreck all the time, but at some point, you’ll be moved to tears because, seriously, your childhood cat was the best. Drunk: You might not be an emotional wreck all the time, but at some point, you’ll be the “I love you man” drunk. Or you’ll be telling a truly great tale and be moved to tears because, seriously, your childhood cat was the best. 2. At Some Point, You Might Throw Up Pregnant: Unless you’re one of those lucky bitches who doesn’t get morning sickness, you’ll kneel over the toilet and pray for sweet relief. Spoiler alert: Vomiting rarely offers relief, and in fact, you might puke more. Morning sickness is an uncaring wench. Drunk: Unless you had the smarts to stop while you were ahead, you’ll probably find yourself kneeling over the toilet, praying for sweet relief. Spoiler alert: You might purge and rally, but there will be consequences. Alcohol is a heartless bastard. 3. At Some Point, It’s Unsafe to Drive Pregnant: There’s no rule about not driving while extremely pregnant, but between the Charley horses, Earth-sized belly, unpredictable Braxton Hicks, and the fact that traffic might send you into pregnancy rage, just pass the keys to someone who isn’t growing a human. Drunk: Don’t drive. Period. 4. You’re Prone to Passing Out Pregnant: You sit on the couch and mumble something about lying down to rest your...
Pregnancy Symptoms No One Wants to Talk About – Third Trimester Edition

Pregnancy Symptoms No One Wants to Talk About – Third Trimester Edition

Ahhh. We’ve almost made it! The finish line is in sight! There’s something so glorious about being in the third trimester of pregnancy. Part of it is knowing that even if your baby were to sneak its way out, with today’s modern technology, he or she would probably survive. Part of it is knowing the discomfort and pains are SO CLOSE to saying sayonara. And, of course, the biggest part is knowing you’re about to meet your little baby. That being said, the third trimester is uncomfortable. It is exhausting. Did I mention it’s uncomfortable? You may feel like a beached whale. And if you have pregnancy brain half as bad as I do right now, you have the mental capacity of a beached whale. But enough with the obvious. Let’s talk about the symptoms you don’t read about in your weekly What to Expect newsletter. 1. Just Breathe. When your stomach starts to get really big, your lungs take a hit. Those poor guys don’t have any room to work anymore. Which means breathing becomes a nuisance at best. And it gets worse if you’re exercising, or in a heated discussion, or nervous. I just had a job interview, and I had to slow down my talking and remember to breathe every few words or I would start panting. It was embarrassing. It was uncomfortable. And no, I didn’t get the job. 2. I’m Soooo Tired I Forgot to Sleep. Insomnia sucks. I’ve experienced it a few times in my life. The difference with pregnancy insomnia is you totally could be sound asleep if you weren’t so damn...
Symptoms of Pregnancy No One Wants to Talk About – 2nd Trimester Edition

Symptoms of Pregnancy No One Wants to Talk About – 2nd Trimester Edition

Ahh, the second trimester. This is the stuff pregnancy dreams are made of. You feel good, your belly is adorable, and you are feeling the pop pop pop of little kicks from your baby who Baby Center says is currently the size of a spaghetti squash! But let’s take a step back from the bliss to complain for a few minutes. I know what you’re thinking. Why bitch about such a magical time? But there are a few things at this stage in the pregnancy game that no one talks about, and they’re important! So sit back, grab some Tums, and read on: 1. Loneliness. It’s lonely being pregnant. No one can share the joyous feelings of baby kicks, hiccups, and bouncing around the belly quite the same way you can. It seems like every time I put my husband’s hand to my belly, the kicking stops. While I look forward to each new week and the developments they bring (He has eyebrows! He’s producing meconium!), others don’t share the same enthusiasm. In the same regard, no one can share the lonely nights tossing and turning. Wondering if that cramping is severe gas or early labor. Going hours without fetal movement and wondering if baby is still okay. As supportive as your significant other and family may be, you are largely alone on this journey. 2. Hormonal Rage. Short of my high school days, there is no other time in my life where I recall being this emotionally unstable. I am a raging bitch most of the time, and a weeping fool for the rest. Everything makes me angry, like...
Symptoms of Pregnancy No One Wants to Talk About – 1st Trimester Edition

Symptoms of Pregnancy No One Wants to Talk About – 1st Trimester Edition

Kim Kardashian, someone who I wholly dislike and yet seem to read about on a daily basis just by opening an internet browser, recently bemoaned pregnancy as “the worst experience of my life.” My initial reaction was, “Ungrateful b*tch!” But on second thought, it is refreshing for celebrities to speak up on some of more uncomfortable, inconvenient and downright painful symptoms of pregnancy that often get overlooked by magazines and popular culture. We see gorgeous celebrity photos of glowing women and their baby bumps (did anyone else drool at the sight of Blake Lively in that dress?) But rarely do they divulge the ugly symptoms many women experience every day and oftentimes keep hidden from friends and family because, let’s face it, who really wants to know? Well, the short answer to that question is other pregnant women. Or women hoping to become pregnant at some point in time. This post will focus on the first 12 weeks, as you can rest assured week 13-40 invokes symptoms very worthy of their own posts. Some of these are obvious, but they don’t think they get the credit they deserve for the level of discomfort they elicit. 1. Morning Sickness. I could write a book on how much this truly SUCKS. Imagine the stomach flu where you can’t keep anything down, where the thought of certain foods or drinks make you gag, and where you feel your soul being slowly drained away. Now image this for 4-6 weeks, not just the morning, not at night… 24/7… I even dreamed of getting sick. My morning sickness was much worse than the first time...