Year One of Fatherhood

Year One of Fatherhood

What I Wished I Would Have Known — Here I sit, melted ice cream cake becoming a tableau of sugary finger paint on the kitchen table, realizing that my now blissfully sleeping son, Oliver, has finished celebrating his first birthday. Beyond sleeping, I try to process his birthday from his perspective and I imagine him reveling that his cake and ice cream melded into one delicious dessert while gathered family inanely (and tone deafly) made fire and gleefully sang an odd song to him, such a bizarre collection of traditions when analyzed. Meanwhile, his mother and I debrief about being overjoyed that we managed to keep an infant alive (and actually quite happy!) for a whole year. The first year is a bit of an odd paradox. My wife and I constantly revel that we don’t feel it is possible for Oliver to be a year old. However, at the same time, it seems like eons ago that she was pregnant. I’ve developed a theory as to why this is the case. It is because each day of particularly early parenthood is an odd combination of exuberance, exhaustion and most of the emotions in between, that there is such a clear and dividing line between your life pre- and post- parenthood that anything before your kids were born seems so long ago. Another reason I think that it is the case is because parenthood is such a unique journey. It really is unlike any other experience I’ve had in life. That’s because, it is a journey that parents undertake with lots of road maps, many claiming to have the...

10 Things That Surprised Me About Having A C-Section

I first went into labor at 35 weeks and earned myself an overnight stay in the hospital, during which time my contractions stalled and I remained dilated at 4 centimeters. Two weeks and no progress later (although I did feel like the twins were going to fall out of me onto the floor of Babies”R”Us), I endured 12 more hours of horrid contractions. And although fully dilated, I could not push the babies out, so I ended up in C-section land. And while I’d read up on the procedure and its aftermath, some aspects surprised me anyway. 1. I forgot how to pee. When we took the catheter out after the C-section, the nurses and I kind of thought I’d just…pee when I had to pee like any fully functioning adult. Fast-forward six hours and my bladder—filled with the saline that was still being pumped into my body—was dangerously full, and I still had no sense of needing a bathroom visit. I had to have the catheter reinserted (ouch). The next 24 hours were pee-watch, and the nurses woke me at regular intervals so that I could try to go. Mostly, this entailed them turning on the tap in the hopes that I’d be inspired by the sound of running water, and hovering outside the door at 4 in the morning while I tried to distract myself with Facebook. There’s still a part of me that wants to tell someone when I’ve peed and have them be really, really impressed by my efforts. 2. I absolutely could not get out of bed easily. Trying to get up was more...
ABCs Of Mommyhood: 26 Tips For Moms-to-Be

ABCs Of Mommyhood: 26 Tips For Moms-to-Be

Becoming a mother is a wonderful, but challenging experience. In order to help expectant moms be better prepared, a helpful glossary is below for reference. Anxiety: The experience of creating the most absurd worst-case scenarios in your head and then obsessing about them. Examples include worrying about the possible long-term side effects of the non-organic vegetables you served at dinner, and wondering if television really does rot the brain. These thoughts can occur at any given moment, though usually right as you are about to fall asleep. Bedtime: The nightly routine in which you utilize your expert negotiation skills. Potty? Check. Water? Check. Bedtime story? Check. Now, please just go the *bleep* to sleep. Cloth Diapering: A polarizing topic, promoted among the crunchy mom community. If washing poopy undergarments is not your cup of tea, this is not for you. Dirty Diapers (all varieties): Because so much pee and poop. So, so much. You may find yourself pondering how that volume of excrement can come out of such a tiny person. Ear Infections: It will happen. Think of it as a milestone of sorts. Finding Food in Furniture: It is always delightful to find last month’s snack in between your couch cushions. Just hope that the snack was Cheerios and not bananas. Google Searches: Because someone, somewhere, has been through it before, whatever it is. Friend or foe, this tool is at your disposal even in the wee morning hours. Hugs: There will be so many wonderful hugs. Nothing is better than those little arms wrapped tightly around your waist or those chubby, baby fingers pinching your neck fat. Add in those wet, open-mouth cheek kisses, and you are golden....
The Funniest Parents On Twitter Talk The ‘Joys’ Of Kids’ Birthdays

The Funniest Parents On Twitter Talk The ‘Joys’ Of Kids’ Birthdays

You probably had no idea when you became a parent that so much of your life would eventually revolve around birthdays. Not only your kid’s birthday — but their friends. And even their non-friends. Like, an entire preschool class of which your kid knows the names of maybe three other kids — you’ll have to care about their birthdays too. And it freaking sucks. It’s costly with all the gifts. It’s exhausting pretending to care about one mom’s insane Pinterest odyssey to create the illusion of a real, live, fairy forest! It’s aggravating giving up half a weekend attending soirees for tiny people who can’t even PRONOUNCE soiree. But that’s ok — because the funny parents of Twitter feel your exquisite birthday pain and are here to make you laugh through the misery of little Kale’s sad, gluten-free cupcakes and “educational” pinata full of nothing fun at all. 1. Ugh, stop having friends. First time your kid gets a bday party invite: Awww! Second time: Oh, another one? Third time: MAKE ANY MORE FRIENDS AND YOU’RE GROUNDED. — Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 21, 2016 Oh, there’s 22 kids in your son’s kindergarten class? WONDERFUL because now, you have 22 RSVPs to fumble your way through and 22 gifts to buy and 22 parties to suffer through making small talk with people you hardly know so your child can celebrate a kid he hardly knows. And around and around it goes. 2. I’ll have another alcohol, please. It might be inappropriate to bring beer to someone else’s kid’s birthday party but I just can’t take the chance that there won’t...
The Funniest Parents On Twitter Talk The Joys Of Marriage Post-Kids

The Funniest Parents On Twitter Talk The Joys Of Marriage Post-Kids

Marriage after kids. It’s hard to keep the spark alive when your whole existence suddenly revolves around the needs of tiny humans who are occasionally assholes and totally don’t care if you have alone time ever again. They change your whole dynamic from “all about us” to “all about them,” and that definitely brings with it some particular challenges. Thankfully, the challenges can be hilarious, as the funny parents of Twitter so merrily point out. Check out these tweets about marriage after kids and know that you’re not alone in pawning off your progeny on your spouse so you can prance off to Target in peace. 1. You have to keep them updated. My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining. — Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 4, 2015 If one of you is fortunate enough to escape for several nights of uninterrupted sleep it’s the duty of the parent left behind to help keep them in the loop with all happenings on the home-front. It’s only fair. 2. You find whole new ways to annoy each other. Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU. Me: Wonderful? H: M: Charming? H: M: Light of your life? H: [leaves room] Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL? — Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 24, 2015 It’s so special to see your partner’s traits in your kids — both the bad and the good. But let’s be honest, the bad is a lot funnier. 3. Lol bye. My husband asked if I wanted...
8 Lessons a Dad Taught His Son and Relearned Himself

8 Lessons a Dad Taught His Son and Relearned Himself

Chad Miller thought he had wisdom to impart to his son. Turns out, he himself was his greatest student. — Fatherhood has recharged my emotional batteries and made me human again. Something I didn’t know I needed until it happened. I’ve been so obsessed with working hard, counting dollars, being logical and professional—losing sight of the important healthy things we should be doing every day. Lessons I learned as a child had been long forgotten and I was on a path of an emotionally drained, non-stop working robot. Then came my son. Everyone knows being a stay-at-home parent forces you to learn new skills, but it’s more than that. Teaching my son the basics of life principles has given me a refresher course on how I should live and act. Things that took a back-burner since I started this daily grind of adulthood. Thank goodness I unknowingly enrolled in “reminding you what’s important 101” with an awesome little professor, my son Ollie. Of course, I have to give a shout out to my wife as without her dedication and help, I could never be the stay-at-home dad that I am. 8 Lessons I taught My son and I relearned myself: Lesson 1: It’s okay to make mistakes and say sorry (I’m that guy that’s never wrong) Lesson 2: Let loose, have fun, sing and dance, be silly, play, and enjoy yourself. Lesson 3: You will get dirty, choose to have fun instead of being grumpy. Lesson 4: Falling down happens, get back up and shake it off. Lesson 5: Give hugs and kisses often and always say I love...