Marriage after kids. It’s hard to keep the spark alive when your whole existence suddenly revolves around the needs of tiny humans who are occasionally assholes and totally don’t care if you have alone time ever again. They change your whole dynamic from “all about us” to “all about them,” and that definitely brings with it some particular challenges.
Thankfully, the challenges can be hilarious, as the funny parents of Twitter so merrily point out. Check out these tweets about marriage after kids and know that you’re not alone in pawning off your progeny on your spouse so you can prance off to Target in peace.
1. You have to keep them updated.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 4, 2015
If one of you is fortunate enough to escape for several nights of uninterrupted sleep it’s the duty of the parent left behind to help keep them in the loop with all happenings on the home-front. It’s only fair.
2. You find whole new ways to annoy each other.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 24, 2015
It’s so special to see your partner’s traits in your kids — both the bad and the good. But let’s be honest, the bad is a lot funnier.
3. Lol bye.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 23, 2015
It’s after having kids that you realize having fun doesn’t have to mean as a couple. Run when you get the chance! Fly free!
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) January 23, 2016
It’s like he gets your hopes sky high only to immediately dash them. But if you don’t step in, they could end up wearing stuff from the dress-up bin to the zoo. Which, come to think of it, who even gives a damn?
5. Sometimes, it needs to be said.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) August 21, 2015
When raising kids together, you might start acting like one yourself. Just calling a spade a spade, ya’ll.
6. Just make notes for later.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
— Deva Dalporto (@mylifesuckers) October 23, 2015
If you love never being able to finish a conversation with your partner, absolutely have kids.
7. Because babysitters are expensive.
Going out on a date with my husband tonight. Still deciding if we’ll converse with or ignore the three kids tagging along.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) October 24, 2014
Keeping a regular date night is all well and good, but have you SEEN what teenage babysitters cost these days? It’s cheaper to buy your kids dinner too and just pretend they’re not there. Romantic as hell.
8. Do it for the amazing social life.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 14, 2014
Oh, your childless friends are going to that craft beer festival this weekend that you’ve been dying to check out? Too bad you’re all booked up with Madysyn and Kale’s birthday parties. Organic, gluten-free cupcakes for everyone!
9. An apt description.
My son asked what marriage is like, so I said imagine having only one video game, and it loves you forever and puts up with all your crap
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) October 10, 2014
You have to explain it in terms they’ll understand.
10. The key is agreeing on the important things.
My husband and I are very aligned on our thoughts about raising kids, mostly “Holy hell, why did we decide to do this?”
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 26, 2015
A united front will get you everywhere.
11. The romance dies just a little.
Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt*
Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) December 13, 2015
Mostly, I just need to know where I can also get a footed unicorn onesie.
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