Morning Mom Vs. Afternoon Mom

Morning Mom Vs. Afternoon Mom

We know that kids can be draining. But have you ever noticed that you’re a completely different parent by the afternoon? Sometimes it feels like I wake with so much energy—equipped with organized plans and optimism—but by the end of the day, I’m barely hanging on. I always aim to do the best by my child, but my parenting standards seem to sway after lunch. Something about 2 p.m. changes the mommy within. Morning Mom: Plans all the ways she will enrich her child today. Sensory station? Go to the Arboretum for a self-guided nature tour? Volunteer at a local food bank? Baby yoga? Oh! Perhaps, an international tour of culinary delicacies with accompanying fun facts about those countries. So enriching! Afternoon Mom: Does enriched cereal count? Morning Mom: So understanding and patient while her child whines, cries, and claws at her during a diaper change. He’s expressing how vulnerable he feels when he’s placed on his back. This is a beautiful expression of human emotion, and since he lacks words, this is what he must do. Yes, sweetheart, Mommy understands. You are frustrated but know that you are safe. All is well. Mommy is just changing your diaper. Mommy loves you. That’s ok sweetie, I didn’t like that cornea anyway. Afternoon Mom: Let me take a peek. Yeah the line’s all blue, but you smell fine. Keep chewing on the lamp cord. Mommy is just checking the oven clock to see if she can drink yet. Morning Mom: Keeps herself and baby on a regimented schedule. She’s down for her nap. I’ll neaten up the toys, wash the bottles, shower and then prep the ingredients for the...
5 Places I Barely Cleaned, Until I Became a Mom

5 Places I Barely Cleaned, Until I Became a Mom

Parenthood has taught me many lessons — one of them is that a whole array of things need to be cleaned that I didn’t know about. I had previously overlooked the nooks and crannies, the “elbows” of my house and car if you will. But now, I realize they’re gummy, gross, germ factories. My car Did you know that gas stations have industrial strength vacuum cleaners designed for you to vacuum your car? I didn’t. Not until I had kids, that is. Now I use this amazing invention about once a week to clean the Cheerios, veggie sticks, straw wrappers, and other sundry items littering my child-transportation device. Before kids, I had never vacuumed my car. Not even once. Now? It’s essential. The grout around my toilet I try not to give them much credence, but clichés exist for a reason, and my kindergartener, like boys are wont to do, pees around the toilet nearly as much as he pees into it. I mean, sure, I cleaned the bathroom floor in general before I had children, but the little moat grout where the toilet meets the floor tiles? I certainly was not scrubbing that when I lived by myself. Now, I have to clean it every day. If I don’t, the whole bathroom smells like a kitty litter box. The baseboards You know what I never cleaned until Pinterest gave me a shortcut to cleaning them? My baseboards. Nope. I just never noticed them. But one morning, when I was lying awake at 3 AM contemplating the meaning of life, I found a majillion “hacks” to clean them. Now, just like...
You Know You’re REALLY Pregnant When …

You Know You’re REALLY Pregnant When …

Pregnancy is no joke. It is nine months of having your body completely ravaged in a way that is equal parts beautiful and terrifying. Physically and emotionally, the changes are vast. And at a certain point, you get to that “really pregnant” phase. There’s the barely pregnant stage (first trimester), the cute pregnant stage (second trimester), and then there’s the REALLY pregnant stage at the very end. And while the signs vary from woman to woman, when it arrives, you’ll just know. Recently, I was texting some friends about how hugely pregnant I’m feeling at 33 weeks, when we started talking about signs you know you’re really pregnant. And well, here’s what we came up with. You know you’re REALLY pregnant when … “You’ve outgrown your regular underwear. They’re made of stretchy material and should fit no matter what, but NOPE.” — Lauren “You can no longer groom your nether regions, because you can’t actually see them anymore.” — Ally “Even shoes — the one item of clothing you could always count on — stop looking cute, because you’re big EVERYWHERE.” — Caitlin “The most important part of your daily “uniform” becomes a panty liner, because coughing or sneezing can become a serious wardrobe hazard. The struggle is real.” — Emma “Your belly becomes your TV tray.” — Karissa “You drop something on the floor and don’t even bother to pick it up, you just leave it. Meh, someone will get it eventually.” — Kristel “When labor doesn’t scare you anymore — you just want it to happen so you’re not pregnant anymore.” — Teresa “When even your maternity clothes are too snug.”...
The Funniest Parents On Twitter Talk TV And Screen Time

The Funniest Parents On Twitter Talk TV And Screen Time

So many parents start out with very strong feelings about how much time their kids will spend playing on the iPad and watching TV. They plan on strict limits and constructive activities instead of zoning out on Bubble Guppies. No screens until age two and even then, only educational programming. No phones, no tablets, no mirrors — no kidding. They uphold these ideals in a smug sort of way. Then, they have kids. And they want to take a poop or a phone call or a deep breath or a bite of a stale bagel they’ve been trying to eat all morning without a tiny voice asking, “why?” TV and screens are handy parenting tools, whether we want to admit it or not. They hypnotize our kids so we can take a break and get things done. And the funny parents of Twitter totally get it. Check out these hilarious tweets about TV, screens and why we can’t imagine parenting without them. 1. When it comes to Caillou, show no mercy. Told my son the new season of Caillou just came out and turned on Poltergeist and now I never have to watch Caillou again. — The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) February 28, 2016 Caillou is like a demon. You exorcise him however you have to, even if it means showing your kids a movie about a literal demon to ward off their interest. THE POWER OF PBS COMPELS YOU. PLEASE CANCEL THIS. 2. Its pull is inexplicable. What I say to my son: “Get dressed.” His interpretation: “Stand around naked watching television with one sock on.” — Sarah (est....
The Funniest Parents On Twitter Talk The ‘Joys’ Of Kids’ Birthdays

The Funniest Parents On Twitter Talk The ‘Joys’ Of Kids’ Birthdays

You probably had no idea when you became a parent that so much of your life would eventually revolve around birthdays. Not only your kid’s birthday — but their friends. And even their non-friends. Like, an entire preschool class of which your kid knows the names of maybe three other kids — you’ll have to care about their birthdays too. And it freaking sucks. It’s costly with all the gifts. It’s exhausting pretending to care about one mom’s insane Pinterest odyssey to create the illusion of a real, live, fairy forest! It’s aggravating giving up half a weekend attending soirees for tiny people who can’t even PRONOUNCE soiree. But that’s ok — because the funny parents of Twitter feel your exquisite birthday pain and are here to make you laugh through the misery of little Kale’s sad, gluten-free cupcakes and “educational” pinata full of nothing fun at all. 1. Ugh, stop having friends. First time your kid gets a bday party invite: Awww! Second time: Oh, another one? Third time: MAKE ANY MORE FRIENDS AND YOU’RE GROUNDED. — Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 21, 2016 Oh, there’s 22 kids in your son’s kindergarten class? WONDERFUL because now, you have 22 RSVPs to fumble your way through and 22 gifts to buy and 22 parties to suffer through making small talk with people you hardly know so your child can celebrate a kid he hardly knows. And around and around it goes. 2. I’ll have another alcohol, please. It might be inappropriate to bring beer to someone else’s kid’s birthday party but I just can’t take the chance that there won’t...